Hot and Heavy Hangover Cure

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This is Installment Number Two in our ongoing, occasional series on hangover cures, as tested by the expert drinkers of our staff (under pseudonyms, in many cases, for reasons that should become obvious). Here, in his own words, are the results of Colfax Corruthers' ultra-scientific testing of the method of "Morning After Lovin'" following a recent all-day drinking binge.

Graphic from www.soyouwanna.com

EXPERIMENT TWO: Mornin' After Lovin'

Day 1
11:30 Consciousness achieved.
12:00 Keg tapped, celebratory Jameson shot consumed.
2:00 Total of two beers and one shot consumed.
4:00 Total of four beers, two shots, and 1 line of white contraband consumed.

6:00 Unknown total of beers and shots, 1 BBQ burger, 3 BBQ ribs consumed.
6:30 Additional line of white contraband and additional Jameson shot consumed.
7:30 Totals unknown. Shotgun duel conducted (similar to old-fashioned "10 paces" pistol duel, but with beer cans shotgunned and then hurled at opponent).
8:30 Two Jameson shots consumed via rapid immersion in Guinness.
9:30 Bar visited. Three additional beers consumed.
11:30 Remaining white contraband arranged to be traded for green contraband (after disturbingly powerful urge to consume further white contraband suppressed).
12:30 Booty-call received en route to proposed contraband trade.
1:00 Booty-caller redirected to location of proposed contraband trade.
2:00 Spliff constructed and consumed at said location, inebriated poker initiated.
2:02 Entire monetary buy-in amount wagered and lost on first hand of cards.
2:05 Second spliff consumed.
3:00 Poker chip supply of booty-caller exhausted. journey to original household commenced.
3:30 Carnal pursuits initiated.
4:00 Scurrilous, uncouth and non-traditional carnal pursuits initiated.
5:00 Such carnal pursuits continued. Sunrise timing contemplated, feared.
5:30 Sleep achieved.

Day 2
10:30 Consciousness achieved.
11:00 Orgasm donated via manual stimulation - other methods prevented by general lethargy.
11:30 Back-rub received in substitution of requested oral sex.
11:45 Half beer consumed during exit from household.
12:00 Omelet and coffee consumed at local restaurant.
12:30 Booty-call bid farewell, household re-entered.
1:00 Lack of hangover symptoms (including headache, vomiting, disorientation, diarrhea, or general feeling of regret for acts unremembered) noticed and appreciated.

Conclusion: Heavy drinking, supplemented by early and moderate consumption of white contraband, followed by heavier consumption of green contraband combined with tobacco, then followed by a combination of depraved fornication and sleep topped off with manual stimulation of several sorts, with breakfast to finish, is a potential formula for hangover avoidance.