Huffing Internet: an indifferent review

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About as hallucinogenic as Uncle Rico's favorite "festival" shirt

“Kelly, parents really need to listen up on this one,” says the somewhat stiff-jawed newscaster on News 9 Oklahoma City. Oh good, I hadn't heard another blatant attempt to scare the bejeesus out of parents in a while. They're talking about “I doser” videos, videos that cause Mountain Dew swilling adolescent nerds to approximate what they think drunk people do. But wait... free drugs? Can grownups play? Ever attentive to our readers' needs, I have sifted through the rubble. Conclusions to follow.

 

Bad: Most of them are. Very bad, indeed. Apparently, the young childs largely equate hallucinogenic trips to Satan, terrible headaches, broken ear drums, and boredom. And strobe. Lots of strobe. I had to stop watching one because I was getting bad Power Ranger flashbacks. Go to hell in particular “Gates of Hades,” one of the most infamous of the free I doses, which felt a lot like tying my head to an amp experiencing persistent feedback problems. 

 

Good: Not much. But I found the "less I dosey" visual trips to a bit more entertaining, particularly when they involved dancing penguins. Actually, some super swirly clips made my eyes pleasantly wonky for a few seconds after. Giggles and compulsive link forwarding ensued.

 

Conclusion: Persuasive tools in keeping children away from actual drugs for all eternity. Buy your kid a Magic Eye book. They've got higher production values, and will distract them from huffing Internet for at least the length of a “Gossip Girl” episode. Of course, I didn't shell out the big bucks for George Torrez's mood-enhancing Binaural Beats. Any patrons out there?

 

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