By Tim Redmond

I grew up in the 1960s, the era of elementary school bomb drills and "duck and cover." I thought we'd gone beyond all of that, but apparently not: i just received from the federal Department of Health and Human Services a "Wallet guide for the media" called "Preparing for terrorism and other public health emergencies." It folds out into a nice handy tip sheet on what to do if we're attacked by mustard gas, nerve gas, antrax or a number of other awful things. In most cases, of course, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do except "immediately seek medical care."

My favorite item, though:

"Nuclear device -- powerful bomb involving splitting of atoms. Comes in various sizes and types, producing various levels of destruction.

"First actions: Do not look toward the explosion .... Lie on the ground and cover your head."

Then bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.