› firstname.lastname@example.org 
Club me. Club me hard. And party me even harder, Miss Autumn — you with the burgundy hair, the tiger-striped jumpsuit, and the White Russian teeth. This is a great time to fall out in the Bay: the weather gets warmer, the nights get longer, and there's a new crop of fresh-faced, low-tolerance Berkeley students and their future careers to fiddle with. How naughty. Do let's dive into some fall party highlights, shall we?
Big club news first. Crusty favorite 1015 Folsom (www.1015.com ) just underwent a massive remodel and is looking to rebrand itself as a more welcoming, less tired niche spot. So far the calendar looks full of the usual Paul Oakenfold–wacky techno stuff of yesteryear, but there's an outreach going on to draw in more, er, post-1998-type fare, and the remo looks fabu, so here's hoping.
1015 is spacious, but the brand-new Temple (www.templesf.com ) in the old DNA space is holy fucking cosmic. With five dance areas, underground "catacombs," and various VIP rooms (including one you get to through a secret door in the women's john), there's gonna be a lot of sublebrity scandal reeking from this joint when it opens in September. I'm still all about small, but I'm mysteriously drawn to this place already. Something spiritual? Nah, I just wanna egg all the Hummers.
Also on its way is Slide (www.slidesf.com ), an upscale underground speakeasy-style lounge soon to be launched by some of clubland's wealthiest players. It really is underground — you get to it by going down a slide. Lord knows how you get out. But it'll be fun watching people try. Look out for beaver cams, skirt wearers.
If you're gay or a fan of the gay or a pervert nun — and who isn't on a Thursday — you'll squeal like a stuck pig that one of San Francisco's literally balls-out faves, Revival Bingo (www.revivalbingo.com ), the raucous fundraiser hosted by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, will rise from the dead on Sept. 7 and will continue to rise on the first Friday of every month at 7 p.m. at Ellard Hall in the Castro.
But Sept. 7? You may be just too hungover from the SF Symphony Opening Gala (www.sfsymphony.org ) Sept. 6 to wet your bingo tip. OK, OK, I admit this isn't exactly a clubby event, and maybe I'm pumping it because I want free press tickets. (Oh yes, I'll be blogging it on www.sfbg.com .) But I'm tired of standing behind the velvet ropes year after year watching San Francisco's impeccably accoutred master class promenade down the red carpet to enjoy the Michael Tilson Thomas–led aural fireworks inside. I'm a faggot, dammit. I wanna be in the sparkly parade!
Which brings us to the biggest party weekend of the year: Sept. 23 and 24. That's when, for the third year in a row, the technolicious LoveFest (formerly the Love Parade; www.sflovefest.org ) and the leatherific Folsom Street Fair (www.folsomstreetfair.com ) share a weekend of mayhem — LoveFest all day Saturday and Folsom all day Sunday. These are both ginormous institutions that draw hundreds of thousands of visitors each. And oh lord, you should see the outfits. LoveFest boasts hundreds of top-notch live acts, including Massive Attack, Grandmaster Flash, and DJ Shadow, plus a really rickety parade of hilariously homemade floats up Market. Folsom boasts hundreds of top-notch bare buttocks and several hundred lower-notch other parts as well, plus this year it's woken up to the whole alternaqueer thing, programming a ton of trash-drag live acts and even SF's favorite musical curmudgeon, DJ Bus Station John, to get your chaps sweaty. Throw on a beer-stained bunny suit and hit up both events.
Finally: "Mass Culture has forced the majority's subconscious into accepting a monotonous mindset pervaded by ignorance and inaction," quoth the press release for Be the Riottt (www.riottt.com ), the eclectic Vice-meets-Misshapes electro-fash throwdown Nov. 11 at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. Riott's answer? Have an enormous concert featuring some of the biggest international draws in postironic attitudinizing. The Rapture, Metric, Clipse, Diplo, and about 20 other acts (plus, I suppose, thousands of neon Vans and white-framed sunglasses) will stoke the frozen grins of the sans blague generation. I'll be there with a Cher tambourine. Go team! SFBG