Offies 2006: our tribute to the most pathetic moments of the year past
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It was a bad year for Jesus. His most fanatical followers just couldn't seem to keep their dicks out of trouble: a minister who was part of the religious right power circle someone who routinely condemned gay marriage, gay sex, and homosexuality in general was caught getting erotic massages from a gay hooker. A Republican congressional representative who was a loyal member of the bigoted majority had to resign after sending sexually explicit e-mails to page boys.
The Vatican announced that same-sex couples are no longer acceptable as adoptive parents and said that condoms are only OK (maybe) if used by married men with HIV but only to prevent disease (not to prevent conception).
And Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton was gay, and Rush Limbaugh got nabbed with illegal Viagra ... and all I can say is, it was a banner year for the Offies.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? THEIR CANDIDATE WAS REAL ATTRACTIVE TOO.
Supporters of District 6 supervisorial candidate Rob Black tried to attack incumbent Chris Daly with campaign fliers featuring pee and poop.
THE GUYS WITH GUNS SHOULD HAVE DRESSED LIKE POLITICAL PROTESTERS; THE COPS WOULD HAVE BEEN ON THEM IN SECONDS.
More than 500 cops were on hand in the Castro on Halloween night, but nine people still got shot.
THE SANTA CLARA 49ERS. THAT HAS AN AUTHENTIC HISTORICAL RING.
San Francisco lost its Olympic bid when the 49ers without warning announced they would abandon plans for a stadium at Candlestick Point and move to Santa Clara.
TOO BAD THE MAYOR CUT WELFARE PAYMENTS; POOR ANNEMARIE MAY BE OUT ON THE STREETS AT ANY MOMENT.
Mayor Gavin Newsom blasted the SF supervisors for eliminating a $185,000-a-year job for former supervisor Annemarie Conroy, saying they were attacking her "livelihood."
THAT WORKED OUT WELL, DIDN'T IT?
Newsom said he would "run roughshod" over the San Francisco Police Department to find a way to identify problem officers.
HEY, THEY'RE ALL STONED UP THERE ANYWAY. NOBODY WILL NOTICE.
Newsom's staff sent off 13 homeless people with one-way bus tickets to Humboldt County.
AND ALL ALONG HE'S DENIED HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GROWN-UP.
Newsom dated scientology fan Sofia Milos but denied he was a supporter of L. Ron Hubbard's bizarre cult. Then he dated 19-year-old Brittanie Mountz but denied that he ever let her drink alcohol.
AND SUCH AN INTELLIGENT PEDOPHILE TOO.
Republican Mark Foley was forced to resign from Congress after he was confronted with sexually explicit e-mails he sent to underage male pages. "He didn't want to talk about politics," one former page said. "He wanted to talk about sex or my penis."
HMMM ... QUEER OR A DRUGGIE? QUEER OR A DRUGGIE? QUEER OR A DRUGGIE? GUESS I BETTER GO WITH THE DRUGS.
Rev. Ted Haggard, one of the nation's leading Christian right evangelicals, was forced to step down from his ministry after evidence emerged that he had hired a gay hooker for regular trysts during which he snorted speed. Faced with the allegations, he denied the gay sex but copped to the meth.
THOSE CELL PHONE CONVERSATIONS BACK IN 1860 MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY JUICY.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez defended the Bush administration's secret electronic eavesdropping on private citizens by saying that Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt did the same thing.
AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE $10 FOR THE CAB, JUST WALK WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?
Senator Joe Lieberman said he thinks it's fine for Catholic hospitals in his home state to refuse to give contraceptives to rape victims because in Connecticut it's only a short taxi ride to another hospital.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW HE'S ONLY A HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM HAVING HIS HANDS ON THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER.
Dick Cheney accidentally shot a campaign contributor while hunting quail.
BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS TERM AS VICE PRESIDENT OF DRUNKEN QUAIL-HUNTING SHOTGUN BLASTS? WE'RE THINKING THAT MIGHT STILL BE RUNNING.
Cheney told reporters that his term as "vice president for torture" was over.
THE DEVIL, OF COURSE, IS IN THE DETAILS.
A Vatican commission has recommended that Catholics be allowed to use condoms but only married Catholics and only if the man is HIV-positive and his wife is not and only if the intent is to avoid the spread of AIDS, not to prevent conception.
ALLOWING PEDOPHILIC PRIESTS TO WATCH OVER THEM IS JUST FINE HOWEVER.
The Vatican announced that it would no longer approve of gay families adopting kids.
WE SAW WAY TOO MUCH. NOW WE KNOW WAY TOO MUCH.
After Britney Spears flashed her crotch for photographers while partying with Paris Hilton, she posted a poem on her Web site apparently aimed at her ex-husband, which concludes:
"You trick me twice, now it's three / Look who's smiling now / Damn, it's good to be me!"
REPUBLICAN FAMILY VALUES: $165,200 A YEAR. THREE-DAY WORKWEEKS. CUT WELFARE BENEFITS. THEN WHINE.
When Democrats in Congress suggested that the House actually schedule work five days a week, Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Georgia) complained, "Keeping us up here eats away at families. Marriages suffer. The Democrats could care less about families that's what this says."
HE, ON THE OTHER HAND, WILL LOOK LIKE A @#$&!!!
Bush told CNN that same day: the war in Iraq will look like "just a comma."
WOW THAT'S TWO CONFIRMED INCIDENTS OF ACTUAL READING. MAYBE THIS ONE WILL TURN OUT BETTER THAN MY PET GOAT.
Bush told reporters the Iraq Study Group report was so important that "I read it."
AND IF WE CAN'T EXECUTE EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO TELL THE TRUTH, THEN THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON.
Attorney General Gonzalez told Sean Hannity that Bush is committed to bringing "the masterminds of the 9/11 Commission" to justice.
WE UNDERSTAND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY HAS BEEN HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH THAT TOO.
Bush told Katie Couric that "one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
RELAX, LINDSAY CHENEY SAYS HE'S GIVEN UP ON TORTURE.
Lindsay Lohan said she didn't want anyone to know she was in favor of voting because "it's safer that way."
SHE, ON THE OTHER HAND, MUST BE INTO ANAL RAMPANT, UPTIGHT RIGHT-WING CHATTER DOES SHOW SOME LEVEL OF HAVING A STICK UP YOUR ASS.
Ann Coulter announced Bill Clinton was probably gay, since "that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some level of latent homosexuality."
COME ON, COULD THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD REALLY BE A DUMB FRAT BOY WHO NEVER GREW UP? NAH ...
Bush addressed the prime minister of the United Kingdom as "yo, Blair."
ANOTHER DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS BILL CLINTON KEPT THIS SORT OF STUFF SAFELY IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
At a G8 summit meeting Bush inexplicably began to grope the chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel.
POOR GUY IF WE HAD PALS LIKE ANN COULTER, OUR DICKS WOULD BE LIMP TOO.
Rush Limbaugh was arrested at the Palm Beach airport when a search of his luggage revealed a jar of Viagra pills with someone else's name on them. Limbaugh said he had them prescribed under his doctor's name to avoid embarrassment.
THEY DODGE THE DRAFT, START IMMORAL WARS, AND GROPE FOREIGN DIGNITARIES. GLAD TO KNOW THEY FART A LOT TOO.
Former Republican senator and Iraq Study Group member Alan Simpson indirectly criticized the Bush administration's refusal to compromise on anything: "A 100-percenter is a person you don't want to be around. They have gas, ulcers, heartburn, and BO."
THE PASSION OF THE SHIT-FACED BIGOT
Mel Gibson was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and told a Los Angeles County deputy sheriff that "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." He later asked a female deputy, "What are you looking at, sugar tits?"
PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT THE US SENATE HAS PLENTY OF ROOM FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE BOTH RACIST AND STUPID.
Virginia senator George Allen referred to a Virginia native of Indian descent as a "macaca."
OF COURSE, BACK WHERE HE COMES FROM, IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO FIGURE OUT WHOM TO HATE.
Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi told reporters that it's hard for Americans to understand "what's wrong" with Iraqis: "Why do they hate the Israelis and despise their right to exist? Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference?"
NOW IF YOU COULD JUST GET YOUR FUCKING FOOT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
Comedian Michael Richards, who played Kramer in Seinfeld, denounced a heckler at an LA comedy club by calling him a "nigger" and saying that "50 years ago, we'd have had you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass."
PERFECT NOW HE'S READY TO RUN FOR THE US SENATE.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger proclaimed that Cubans and Puerto Ricans were "very hot" because of their mixed "black blood" and "Latino blood." *