Wow, oh wow 2k8 was such an incredible trainwreck "LGBT: WTF?" year that we've resurrected our Lamebow Awards, a tarnished-star-studded list of some of the biggest gay boners of the past queer year. And, hey, 2009 already looks like a winner, with Barack Obama inviting extra-special homophobic walrus Rick Warren to give his inaugural invocation in Washington, DC on the very same weekend as the capital's biggest queer S-M event, the Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend. So far Obama says he "probably" won't attend the MAL haps. Up from bondage, Barack! Give us chains we can believe in.
Best MySpace Bisexual: It's a tie! The original MySpace Bi, Tila Tequila of MTV's desperate cross-gender dating show Shot of Love, wins again for her assertion to Us Weekly that legalized same-sex marriage is "because of me." Before her show came out, "everyone was still a little apprehensive about same sex relationships," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine." Really. Sharing the award this year is, of course, Lindsay Lohan because rehab makes you gay and want to blog about it.
Best Idol Anticlimax: This one goes to Clay Aiken not because he finally came out on the cover of People shocker! Sing it, sister but because he didn't even have to try to clinch the top spot on that "Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians" blog.
Best What Did You Expect, Buddy: "Manhunt.net Founder Jonathan Crutchley Donates $2,300 to McCain Campaign!" Please. It's Manhunt, people the only surprise here was that he didn't round up to $3,000 and end up only giving $50.
Best Killer Irony: When Austrian fascist and anti-gay leader Jörg Haider died in a head-on auto collision with a tree this fall, it was revealed that he was sleeping with his uber-twink communications director and that he crashed after pounding drinks in a gay bar. Just research, we're sure.
Best Hairplugged Pander: Nothing warmed our heart cockles more than Joe Biden shouting, "No! Neither Barack Obama nor I support redefining, from a civil side, what constitutes marriage. We do not support that!" when asked "Do you support gay marriage?" during the vice presidential debates. Thanks, Joe. Of course, Sarah Palin saying she knew a gay person once in Alaska when asked the same question was just as ridiculous. But Palin is disqualified from the Lamebows, because even after spending $23,000 on a makeup artist, she still did that whole horrifying "smear dusty rose rouge up your cheekbones" thing.
Best Done Just Dug a Deeper Hole: Emerging from a swamp more horrifyingly rancid than Kathy Griffin's fan base, former congress member and heinous pedophile Mark Foley granted a crocodile-tear-filled interview to Florida's WPTV in which he insisted that he'd done nothing "really" wrong and blamed his behavior on alcohol and childhood abuse by a priest (who, sadly, confirmed the charge). Stay in the grave, already! Even scarier: Foley's interior-designer boyfriend is still with him. Break the cycle, dude.
Best double STFU: "Ur So Gay" but "I Kissed a Girl"? Yawn, yawn, and wrong, Katy Perry. U suck.
Best Maybe Meth-Driven Midlife Meltdown: It's fast becoming a far-too-public trend the gay version of Viagra-crazed gray beards: reach 45, drop 50 pounds, get a bunch of lame tattoos, and hit the circuit 10 years too late. Then, if you're famous, pose naked in a 1,000 boring rags and ad campaigns while still keeping your 20-year-old porn star wannabe hustler boy-toy on the speed dial. Kudos, then, to Marc Jacobs, who did all this and Facebooked it in real time, too.
Best Scapegoat: We wanted to give this one to black people, because of that whole hothead blame game us gays had so much fun playing after Proposition 8 passed. Classy. But that all happened, like, 500 blog centuries ago, so we're gonna go with global-warming queers. Yep, according to a pre-Christmas speech by Pope Eggs Benedict XVI, "saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behavior [is] just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction." Is that man in a dress aware of just how many trannies come from the Amazon?
Best Ginormous Oops: Wait a minute. Prop. 8 passed?