All the news that's fit to implant in your Auto-Tune. Plus: Bruce Springsteen, Lily Allen, Ahmad Jamal, and more
SONIC REDUCER Due to April 1 budget cuts, the original content in this space has been replaced by a selection of music news items from the wire.
LILONGWE (Rutters) Madonna announced her plans to adopt the entire southern African nation today after local friends told her that her adopted Malawian children, David and Mercy James, were lonely and needed companionship. In 2006 some Malawian activists attempted to block David's adoption, but this time many are endorsing the idea of a high-flying life attached to a parent with a global pop brand. "We had no idea she would take her name so literally," opined a High Court clerk. "Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to meeting my nanny and hanging with the backstage crew at mom's next arena show."
LOS ANGELES (APE) In a surprise move, Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson has been dropped from the lead role of vampire hottie Edward Cullen. His replacement: the King of Pop. Producers believe that despite his age and HIStory, Michael Jackson has the tween idol beat in the unnatural skin pallor department. "He's much more believable as a vampire," said one source.
LOS ANGELES (FuxNews) Just weeks after Chris Brown was charged with felony assault, commercial endorsements were suspended, and his music withdrawn from radio stations, the Putf8um recording artist took another backhand blow to his ego: he was snubbed by the entire cast of the popular TV show and picked last in a very special dancer's-choice episode. "Sure, the guy can cut a rug," said an unnamed contestant. "But everyone saw those unauthorized TMZ pics of his last cut-up partner. Performers always say, 'Break a leg.' I don't want to take that chance."
NEW YORK CITY (Eek! Online) "It's just another tool in the studio," hip-hop artist Kanye West said. "Now I don't even need to touch a computer to get my sound." Emboldened by the success of the operation, West's surgeons plan to remove a part of the G.O.O.D. Music founder's brain and install an entire suite of Pro Tools plug-ins.
WYCKOFF, N.J. (EmptyV.com) In an effort not to become Hanson or New Kids on the Block, Kevin, Nick, and Joe Jonas have been taking massive amounts of HAH in an effort to retain their tween demographic, allege Wyckoff police after a 4 a.m. raid on the Jonas family McMansion. "Our management told us we were taking flaxseed oil," Kevin said. "They claimed it was pixie dust," added Joe.
PORTLAND, Ore. (Ditchfork) As one of the most pervasive trends in indie rock, beards have stood the test of time and triple-blade, pivoting shavers. One all-girl combo, however, is proving that they can play that game too: this week the Portland-based Her Suit obtained beard transplants at the O'Hare Baldness Clinic outside Chicago. The number of friends on the band's MySpace page has risen tenfold, particularly among the follically challenged.
SAGINAW, Mich. (AFPEE) Scientists have determined a link between heavy use of iPods and other MP3 players and increased risk of cochlear cancer. The same team of scientists also determined a simple preventive measure: a protective vinyl coating applied to the actual MP3 players. "Vinyl is not only better," said one researcher. "It makes everything better."
How prescient is Working on a Dream (Columbia), when employment seems like a figment of the imagination for so many? Wed/1, 7:30 p.m., $38$95. HP Pavilion, 525 W. Santa Clara, San Jose. www.livenation.com 
Still, sweet waters run deep: GLS drifts softly and drowsily, with nods to country music's storytelling tradition, whereas ex-neuroscience student Maki teamed with Howe Gelb for On High (OW OM, 2008) and gently noggin-rattling arrangements that go beyond the solo acoustic guitar. Fri/3, 9 p.m., $12. Bottom of the Hill, 1233 17th St., SF. www.bottomofthehill.com 
The Oaxaca native sifts together Fleetwood Mac and Lucinda Williams covers with an original, "Shake Away" and a bared bellybutton that seem like a Mesoamerican bid for Shakira's Latin-crossover crown. Sat/4, 9 p.m., $30. Fillmore, 1805 Geary, SF. www.livenation.com 
It's her, it's us: one of the first pint-sized, powerhouse MySpace stars chips away at detractors with the "darker, faster" It's Not Me, It's You (Capitol). Sat/4, 9 p.m., $30$32. Warfield, 982 Market, SF. www.goldenvoice.com 
"Darn that Dream" seems so far away, yet the 78-year-old mastermind with the keys keeps working for the ineffable, last with It's Magic (Dreyfus, 2008). Sat/4, 8 p.m., $20$75. Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness, SF. www.sfjazz.com 
According to member Weasel Walter, Mike, Mark, Mike, and Tissue have come out of hiding, not to play blistering noise from their new 10-inch, but to cover the Circle Jerks' Group Sex (Frontier, 1980), fore to aft, instead. With the Human Quena Orchestra and Geronimo. Sun/5, 9 p.m., $7. Hemlock Tavern, 1131 Polk, SF. www.hemlocktavern.com