DJ Daddy Huf 'n Pufz is in the nightlife hizz-ouse!!! With Snoop Dogg, Christian Audigier, Samantha Ronson, and Timmy "Turbo Iroq" Nguyen
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ALTER EGO Yo, yo, yo waaasssuuuppp in the Sheez Franheezy! It's me, DJ Daddy Huf 'n Pufz, takin' over this Super Ego shit and giving you da club reals for reals! That sorry skinny faggot Marke B. had to go get his kneepads repadded or some shit don't drop the soap on the 22, y'all so I'm stepping in with the 411 in the 415 after dark. But first I gotta open a big ol' can of NO HOMO on this column, yo. You feel me, man? Fuck all that gay-ass gay and art school dropout shit B.'s always squealing like a little pink piggy about. I mean, I got four words to describe his nightlife problem: no boobs and no bottle service. And where the fuck's the VIP? All you "alternative" types need to drop the asshole attitude and those fucked-up granny outfits and get on the velvet rope tip. You ridin' with Big Daddy Joe now, and this is how we roll.
Rollin'! Dude, I just flew in from the Winter Music Conference in Miami (big ups!) with my partner Timmy "Turbo Iroc" Nguyen. He's that whack kind of Asian dude who tries to talk all hood and stuff, but then when you say, "Yo, what?" he gets all stiff and repeats it in English. Makes me bust a nut every time, cuz you know he talks Chinese or some crazy shit to his parents at home. Naw, he's cool, and this is why our set-up works: He gets me into all the Asian parties on 11th Street, and then I get him into all the white ones. Hey, I ain't racist! Double the ladies, double the pleasure! I just got that tattooed with barbed wire and roses around my left bicep.
Anywheezy, da WMC. Fuck the music, you should have seen the fine-ass poolside "talent," dawg. Those chicks had plastic in all the right places and they didn't just use it to cut up my lines, know what I'm saying? Lemme tell you, they were all about the Big Daddy Pufz, the decks-wreckin' Romeo in wraparound Guccis. My Twitter was smokin'! Five or six of those hotties, two cans of body chocolate throw in a sweet bag of lean and I got my first video, yo.
Back to the Yay me and Turbo gonna throw on our sickest Affliction tees, slick up our cuts, and make this a weekend the ladies will never forget, for serious, dude. Duuude. Dude!
This muthafuckin' part-ay looks so off the ho-ho that they gots to rewind it, back it up, and put on a triple "z" at the end. Bay Area Breedz Entertainment, your No. 1 Bay Area party connection, is pullin' it all out for NBA star, my man, Stephen Jackson on his b'day b'day with a full-on, "up close and personal" performance by SNOOP DOGG himself!!! Snoop! In. Da. Heyaaaz! Yo, my Hummer just got a hummer. Woof! This slammin' yay-fair is an "exclusive celebrity birthday," co-hosted by Shaw Town, Next Level Events, Location415, Ankh Marketing, Deshawn Mitchell, and J.E. Media. Da best!!! No sportswear, tennis shoes, hats, or T-shirts. Keep it classy, y'all.
Fri/3, 9 p.m., $20 advance. Mezzanine, 444 Jessie, SF. www.mezzaninesf.com 
Not to be missed, party people! This exclusive luxury lifestyle event is all about living large. You know those way-dope hats, shirts, and bags with all the sparkly fancy writing on them that high-profile celebrities like Manny P., Colby O. Donnis, Jayde Nicole, Ike Taylor, Michael White, and the smokin' hot Ikki Twins wear? Fuck Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier's your man for the true L.A. look with UFC cred. Your host, my man, Boogie will be giving out thousands of dollars' worth of sophisticated Christian Audigier apparel at the one and only Boss 750 Luxury Lounge Nightclub. And the first 50 ladies get a free gift bag! Reserve your booth now, dawg this one's gonna be hecka packed. Dress code strictly enforced, no baggy clothes or sports attire.
Sat/3, 10 p.m., $20. Boss, 750 Harrison, SF. www.boss750.com 
Yo, I don't get it, y'all. If you're gonna be a lesbo, why you gotta look like a punk rock dude? I like the lesbians with the big racks and long-ass fingernails on the porno who get down in the hot tub with the whipped cream. Warm it up, ladies! Yeah. Just don't try to compete with me and my boys in the satisfaction department, fo' rock 'n reals. Ain't nothing like a real man's loving. You with me, fellas? Knock 'em back. Boom. This man-chick Ronson may use that Lohan hottie as a muff-warmer, but a girl behind the "wheels of steel" trying to spin like a real DJ? What to the what-what? If she shares out some Lindsay, though, I may let her sing a verse on my forthcoming album, Bay Up or Shut Up, Bitchez. Drop date: May 15 on Rock Star Energy Drink Records. Free downloads now on the MySpace.
April 10, 9 p.m., $15. Slide, 430 Mason, SF. www.slidesf.com