Dear Andrea: As long as I can remember, I've had a fascination with gyno play and playing doctor. I've grown more and more interested in the idea of cervical dilation/cervical insertions, but have been unable to find any literature on the subject. I understand that any cervical penetration has the possibility of causing cramps and/or other pain, but I am anxious and willing to experiment with this aspect of such play. Any advice?
Love, Stretch me
Dear Stretch: Questions like this always remind me of a kids' science show I used to watch, starring Paul Zaloom and some guy in a rat costume. In one episode Paul was in the middle of explaining how to grow a particularly odoriferous bacteria colony in an old tennis shoe when he broke off mid-sentence and said, "Don't even do this." That's how I feel when people ask me about certain extreme and possibly harmless but just a little bit potentially fatal practices.
It isn't the pain that worries me. I understand that you're up for that, and, you know, go crazy, although having been the recipient of several antepartum "internals" I can assure you that the sensation is ... let's call it "challenging."
So yes, cervical stretching hurts like 12 kinds of mofo but that's not our concern here. I'm afraid you may perforate something or introduce outside-world bacteria to your insides (or both). I don't need to tell you how badly that could go for you, and only you can decide if it's worth the risk.
It's not true that there's absolutely no information on this out there — there's just very little of it. There's probably something in BME, the "body modification e-zine." A place called Eros Boutique carries every conceivable type of sound and catheter, and medical books and sites with instructions for inserting an IUD could walk you through the steps necessary to prepare for messing with your cervix. That's all I've got.
This is very strange for me — up until now whenever someone has asked me about inserting things into the female urethra, I've said, in a word, "don't," and for good reason. The female urethra is only a few inches long and fragile. It's a very short trip to the bladder, which really doesn't want you dragging in dirt all over its nice clean floor. So while I generally counsel people, to leave the urethra alone and go play someplace safe, like the vagina, I'm going to take a flier and suggest the urethra as a slightly safer alternative if you absolutely must go poking in places where you're not invited. At least you can sort-of resanitize it by peeing afterward. You may also feel free to be cranked open with a speculum and prodded about the cervix with a gloved finger. It is possible to create some intensely painful sensations in that region without ever attempting entry. But I can't, in good conscience, support your playing doctor in the sanctum sanctorum there.
Andrea Nemerson is on vacation. This column ran last year.
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