Presenting the Off Guard Awards for the worst of a year that almost wouldn't end
It was the year of the Rapture (oh, wait, maybe not), the year of the great Republican resurgence (oh wait, maybe not), the year of Anthony Weiner's penis and Gerard Depardeiu's piss, the year of the Kardashians and Charlie Sheen ... and the Offies in-basket overflows. Here are our favorite choice moments of 2011.
Anthony Weiner, in a sexting conversation with a middle-aged Nevada Democratic volunteer, described his penis as "ready to do some damage."
Hustler publisher Larry Flynt offered Weiner a job
Presidential candidate Herman Cain, in an interview, said he didn't know the name of the president of Uzbekistan, which he called UBEKE BEKI KEIE BAH BAH STAND O BAN STAN SO WHAT WHAT?
Cain said that too many vegetable toppings make a "sissy pizza."
Cain blamed "elites" for derailing his campaign, then quoted from the Pokemon theme song.
Joe the Plumber announced he would run for Congress
Rick Perry couldn't remember which federal agencies he wanted to shut down.
Michelle Bachman said that the East Coast earthquake and hurricane were signs that God thought the country was spending too much money on government services.
Rush Limbaugh said that the power of Hurricane Irene, which caused 53 deaths and $15 billion in property damage, was blown out of proportion to promote "the leftist agenda."
Bachman said wives should be obedient to their husbands
Bachman praised Waterloo, Iowa as the home of John Wayne, when it's actually the home of serial killer John Wayne Gacy
Sarah Palin insisted that Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells."
A Rick Perry campaign ad said that "something's wrong with America" because "gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school."
Perry insisted he wasn't drunk when he delivered a rambling speech in New Hampshire
Sup. David Chiu said meeting Mayor Lee -- who he helped put in office -- after he broke his promise not to run was "a little like meeting an ex-girlfriend after a breakup."
Ed Lee said he didn't want to run for mayor, but he had trouble saying no to Rose Pak and Willie Brown
Sen. John Kyle announced that 90 percent of Planned Parenthood's business was abortions, and when it turned out he was wrong by a factor of 30, he said his allegation "wasn't meant to be factual."
Moammar Gadafi said his political opponents were on LSD and kept a stash of photos of Condoleeza Rice.
Oakland radio minister Harold Camping announced that the end of the world would come Oct. 21.
A woman who created a media frenzy when she said that she had given her young daughter botox admitted she made the story up so a tabloid would pay her $200.
Donald Trump demanded that Barack Obama show his birth certificate.
Rush Limbaugh made fun of Japanese people after the earthquake and tsunami, saying "where Gaia blew up is right where they make all these electric cars."
Brigham Young University suspended basketball star Brandon Davies because he sex with his girlfriend.
Newt Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network that he'd cheated on his wife because he loved America so much.
Sen. Rand Paul complained to an energy department official that he didn't like appliance efficiency standards because "we have to flush the toilet 10 times before it works."
Gingrich told Occupy protesters to take a bath.
Former Senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum complained about what turns up when you put his name in a Google search.
House Republicans tried to redefine "rape" to eliminate funding for abortions
Stanford University stopped giving student athletes special lists of easy classes
Donald Trump tried to host a presidential debate but gave up when nobody wanted to be there.
Gingrich called the Palestinians an "invented" people.
Charlie Sheen opened his Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour in Detroit, where he burned a Two and A Half Men T-shirt, told the crowd that he was "finally here to identify and train the Vatican assassin locked inside each and every one of you," demanded "freedom from monkey-eyed&ldots;sweat-eating whores," and said he doesn't do crack anymore.
Rick Perry told the Associated Press that he shot a coyote that had threatened him on his morning jog.
The crowd at a Republican debate cheered after moderator Brian Williams noted that Rick Perry had overseen 234 executions.
A Davis police officer pepper sprayed a group of peaceful protesters who were sitting on the ground.
The New York Post investigated sex at Occupy Wall Street
Perry held a religious rally to pray for rain at Reliant Stadium in Houston, and urged people to fast, although the concession stands sold hot dogs.
Michelle Bachman said she opposes same-sex marriage because "the family is the fundamental unit of the government."
Child bride Courtney Stodden was kicked out of a pumpkin patch for dressing in daisy dukes and making out with her 53-year old husband, Doug Hutchinson, and she madly tweets things like "Squeezing my snowballs inside of a seasonal sexy little lingerie as I begin to swing around the Christmas tree to hot rock 'n roll hits!"
Kim Kardashian made $12 million for doing essentially nothing.
Gerard Depardieu pissed on the floor of an Air France jet after flight attendants told him he'd have to wait to use the bathroom.
The U.S. Justice Department spent millions of dollars and eight years to convince a judge to sentence Barry Bonds to spend a month at his Beverly Hills estate.