According to recent findings , it would take 4.85×10(15) years to teleport a complete human at 30GHz. That's 350,000 times longer than the universe has existed. And almost as long as the clothes check line at the Powerhouse.
How will I ever get to all these parties???
Darn you, science. I'm guessing I'll still at least have one or two out of body experiences at the following, howevs.
If you're any kind of dance maven, you'd know Brit Sam Watts' 2011 hit "Criticize" in three notes, probably -- but I adore his remix work and DJ prowess. Hit him up at the neat, super-affordable-for-this-kind-of-talent weekly Base party, which seems to have reemerged after a little hiatus.
Thu/3, 10pm, $5-$10. Vessel, 85 Campton Pl., SF. www.vesselsf.com 
All the glorious queens forever! This beloved little underground drag tradition, brought to us by the creators of the great Some Thing party every Friday at the Stud, is going BIGTIME. This year it's being held at the De Young Museum's fun Friday evenings (there will be kids there! and a bar!) Of course, it's a freakishly lovely runway pageant for freakishly freakish queens -- and I'll be one of the celebrity judges, so you know it will be, er, drinky. My fellow judges, far more legendary than I could ever be, are Candis Cayne, Gina La Divina, Lil Miss Hot Mess, and Honey Mahogany. Expect a raucous, wiggy crowd.
Fri/4, 6pm-10pm, FREEEEE. de Young Museum, 50 Hagiwara tea Garden, Golden Gate Park, SF. Info here 
>>BODY & SOUL 
Three of the world's greatest house (and Latin, and electrofunk, and disco, and soul) DJs return to resurrect the feeling of their NYC party -- wihch changed my life, and the lives of pretty much everyone else on the scene 10 years ago. Golly, I love them! Welcome back, Francois, Joe, and Danny.
Fri/4, 10pm-late, $25. Mighty, 119 Utah, SF. www.mighty119.com 
>>PETER KRUDER 
One half of infamous Austrian sophiticated house duo Kruder and Dorfmeister, Peter headlines the giant Public Works third anniversary. But wait there's so much more! Also there: Christian Martin, Jackie House, Afrolicious, J-Boogie, Josh Vincent and a hot-hot crowd. Here's one of my favorite remixes of all time, btw:
Sat/5, 8:30pm-3:30am, $10. Public Works, 161 Erie, SF. www.publicsf.com 
>>OCTO OCTA 
100% Silk label cutie blends dreamy classic house sounds with effusive but totally danceable concepts at the ever-awesome Push The Feeling party. (Love the track "His Kiss" of his lovely Between Two Selves LP.) He'll be joined by Matrixxman (who made me dance till I cried at the deviants party last week) and Yr Skull and Epicsauce DJs. Good times.
Sat/5, 9pm, $5 advance. UndergroundSF, 424 Haight, SF. octoocta.eventbrite.com 
>>#ENDHIV DRAG BALL 
Balls are all the rage! This one, MCed by Sister Roma and Pat N Leather and DJed by Guy Ruben, raises money for a possible HIV vaccine -- and of course will be loaded with colorful characters.It has an "animal" theme!
Sat/5, 7pm-10pm, $40. Beatbox, 314 11th St, SF. itrulycare.com/events/endhiv-sf-drag-ball 
>>CASTRO STREET FAIR 
This 40th edition of the fair has an INSANE nightlife focus: Peaches (yes that Peaches) is doing a Sylvester tribute! There is a Legends dance stage featuring David Harness, Pete Avila, Rolo, Blackstone, and Page Hodel. And Cookie Dough will bring her kookielicious Monster Show drag party as well. It'll be nuts + dancing + cute.OH! And don't miss one of the best things ever that happens in SF -- the two-step line--dance stage behind Castro Theatre.
Sun/5, 11am-6pm, donatiion requested. 18th Street and Castro, SF. www.castrostreetfair.org