Good god, y'all! If you parents out there (yeah, I know this is San Francisco, but I'm house-sitting up in Bernal for the week, I know the childrens still exist) have successfully protected your family from the dangers of I dosing , you now have a new challenge on your hands: making sure your loved ones are harboring enough bacteria.
Such is the message of a one Larry Weiss, who has been contracted under the illustrious moniker of “chief technology officer” by a one manufacturer of naturalish hygiene products known in certain circles as Cleanwell, to make you even more aware of the microscopic dangers that lurk in every damp sponge. And the microscopic wonders in every bite of Dannon's! There's good bacteria as well, which his product helpfully allows to survive another day in your epidermis and eventually, gut. He'll be presenting the findings of his doctoral search for the truth today, Thurs/5, at an organic children's store in the Marina named Sprout. Sounds like it'll make a bangin' pre-funk for our Best of the Bay Rock Party  tonight.
Some sneak preview tips gleaned from the Cleanwell site:
-Eating yogurt or probiotic products help you to get that belly bacteria back in balance after a round of the antibiotics. Listen up you chronic infection people!
-76% of all liquid soaps include Triclosan, a devil juice that disrupts endochrins and makes teenage girls get their periods disturbingly early. Guess what soap has no Triclosan!
-Viral YouTube videos do not actually cause a single virus, or more than one virus! On a related note, did you know there is some debate as to whether the word 'virus' has a correct  pluralization?!
Cleanwell appears to have caught wind of the SFBG staff's penchant for rolling around in pungent “Free” boxes we find on the sidewalk curb, because they generously sent us no less than five spray bottles of their original flavor all-natural hand sanitizer. A question that perhaps Cleanwell can answer: why aren't we calling the first ingredient on your list “aloe” instead of the slightly more processed sounding “aloe barbadensis?” To me, this suggests you're not throwing plants in a pot and stirring, which is how we hippie typically prefer our toiletries to be made. One of my counterparts suggested your formal language was due to the fact that Cleanwell ingredients are so natural, one must use their Latin names to describe them.
Anyways, I got everybody to spritz their hands at the office, thereby putting off yet another pink eye epidemic. Thanks, Cleanwell!
Healthy Hygiene Tips from Dr. Larry Weiss
Thurs/5 6:30 p.m., free
1828 Union, SF