Each week Justin Juul highlights a rad upcoming local sexy event
Who Remember the girl who sat in front of you in freshman math class? She was super cute and she smelled amazing, but it really sucked to be that close to her everyday because you just couldn’t stop wondering about the color of her panties and whether she had baby-toe nipples or the big round kind. Oh my god, the round kind! The cool thing about your daydreams was that they made algebra tolerable, but they were also kind of dangerous because they made you hard and if anything strange were to happen –fire alarms, group exercises, etc—you knew you’d be forced to parade your boner around in front of both your crush and all the other assholes in your class. But, whatever. If you absolutely had to stand up, you could always just grab your jacket and pretend to look for something in the pocket until you could sit down again, right? Wrong! Remember the day the fire alarm actually did go off? Where was your trusty jacket then, smart guy? It sure as hell wasn’t on the back of your chair like it should have been and so your only option was to stand up quickly and try to run out the door before anyone noticed -a perfect plan that went haywire when your crush suddenly stooped over and swung around to grab her backpack. After plowing your fourteen year-old wiener directly into the poor girl’s face, you promptly tripped and landed on your back with the most ridiculous and shameful erection the world had ever seen poking out the side of your Umbros.
It was the most embarrassing moment of your life and that’s why, although you remember her well, you probably don’t want to see the hot girl from math class ever again. Or maybe you do. If you’re a glutton for self-depreciating humor, you should check out this show. Sexy algebra girl will certainly be in attendance (in spirit, if not physically), as will all the little fuckers who called you “J-Bone” back in high school.
What Mortified  is a spoken word showcase starring all your friends and neighbors as pimply-faced teenagers going through the hell.
The performers (SF locals selected by Mortified’s panel of judges) have all dug deep into the boxes they keep at their moms’ houses to unearth documentation (love-letters, poorly-written poems, confessional videos, etc) of their most embarrassing moments ever. Hand-jobs gone awry, tampon-clogged toilets at the boyfriend’s house, bikinis lost in water skiing accidents, and puke-soaked prom dresses are just the beginning. At Mortified, you’ll hear stories that’ll make your boner incident seem like it was no big deal, which according to all the people who saw it, was pretty much the case.
Where The Makeout Room , 3225 22nd St., SF. Tickets $12-15.
When Friday/Saturday, March 20 and 21. 7:00-9:30pm. More info at www.getmortified.com 
Why “Because the more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.” –George Bernard Shaw