Thank god for this column, which allows me a great forum to come out of the closet. Some people may judge, but fuck em, right? I'm totally, one hundred percent Team Jacob. Yup. I just saw Twilight: Eclipse (the third installation in the “saga”) and I'm gonna go with the NYT on this one, werewolf is the new vampire . Who will the wan protagonist choose, her perma-shirtless Native American werewolf childhood best friend (played by 18-year old eek hottie yay Taylor Lautner), or the near-omnipotent, beyond the grave love of her alabaster vampire betrothed? I'm hella going for Jacob the werewolf, if only on the basis that he is a. alive, b. connected with the earth (all Native Americans are, right?) and c. smoking hot.
Literally! When Bella was freezing to death waiting in her alpine tent, Edward the cold fish vampire could only look on in horror as Jacob the werewolf climbed into her sleeping bag for body temp restoring snuggle time. That being said, if in the next chapter it behooves Edward to get in that sack too... but now we're talking hypotheticals. Better to get onto this week's sex events, shall we?
Why do we make fun of all the Twi-fan teenage girls in the world? There are perhaps less empowering mass marketed fantasies they could obsess over than a young woman teasing two supernatural hotties along at the same time. For example: any of the Britney Spears videos. Sorry, girl. Anyways, get hot and bothered at this innuendo-y bubblegum good time.
Starts Wed/30 in Bay area theaters
Beginner's Dungeon Class
Just getting into the BDSM scene? This is the 101. Learn how to dress, what you'll see, how to stay safe, and just what the hell all that leathery code word action could possible mean. Trust me, you don't want to be caught holding your whip wrong. Que faux pas!
Thurs/1 7:30-10:30 p.m., $10-20
1277 Mission, SF
How to Choose a Vibrator
Gosh, there's just so many options. Pearls, shapes, sizes, cost levels, which animal you want your vibrator to look like. Eek! So! Instruct your clitoris' well being to a doctor. That's what Good Vibes wants you to do at their “Ask a Doc” free class series. No proof of insurance required!
Thurs/1 6:30-7:30 p.m., free
603 Valencia, SF
Locker Room Locker Room is abandoning its Wednesday shift, so that's the bad news. The good news is, that it's moving to Thursday night – and, if you check your clothes at the door save your jockstrap, your entry in is on the house! So get on someone in the house – and make up for those not-so-fun days of gym class with a sexy, sexy evening. Thurs/1 9 p.m., free when you strip to your jock Chaps Bar 1225 Folsom, SF (415) 225-CHAP
Locker Room is abandoning its Wednesday shift, so that's the bad news. The good news is, that it's moving to Thursday night – and, if you check your clothes at the door save your jockstrap, your entry in is on the house! So get on someone in the house – and make up for those not-so-fun days of gym class with a sexy, sexy evening.
Thurs/1 9 p.m., free when you strip to your jock
1225 Folsom, SF
Getting a little bit rougher than most Mission Control sex parties, but still focusing on the softer side of BDSM, Threshold will feature the tie-me-up, tie-me-down talents of Stefano, Chey, and Nefarious1. Enjoy Mission Control's various horizontal play structures – maybe even put that stripper pole to use as a hitching post.
Fri/2 9 p.m.-2 a.m., $20
You know when the hosts suggest you look at www.peopleofwalmart.com  for costume suggestions, you're heading out to a different kind of BDSM bash. What kind of scene will you concoct? A BBQ gone bad? Naughtiness in the camps on NASCAR weekend? Hey wait, I'm not trying to give away all my ideas...
Sat/3 8 p.m.-1 a.m., $25
1277 Mission, SF