So Rihanna made an S&M video . No really, it's called “S&M.” And yes, it does feature her walking Perez Hilton – not the sexiest choice – on a leash, while wearing a latex dress and a killer day-at-the-races hat-thing, plus her singing while hanging from the ceiling, men in restraints and gags, and creative use of duct tape. Yep, yet  another  celebrity discovers BDSM. While the video itself is not thrilling and not all that arousing (for my money, Rihanna's made hotter ), the girl's got a way with outfits – she has a penchant for performing in latex, and sports a pretty incredible hood and stockings latex 'fit in the new video, which already has 9.3 million views on YouTube, fyi. Perhaps she could be convinced to share the wealth at one of SF's two kinky costume swaps this Sun/13 -- at Kinky Salon  and the SF Citadel  respectively. Even if RiRi's not in attendance, the event should be a good opportunity to re-up on some gear to wear to the next wild-and-wacky costumed sex party. Or nearly any of this weeks' sex events, for that matter...
Bawdy Storytelling: “Slut or Whore?”
Four years of Bawdy Storytelling already? And it doesn't look a day over “once upon a time”! At any rate, four years of exhibitionist show-and-tell deserves a little contemplation, so this month's theme makes perfect sense. Sexologist Carol Queen and fowl-about-town Chicken John will be sharing scenes from their crazy line-toeing lives – maybe we can all sit back and think on what it means to get paid for it, whatever our career may be.
Weds/9 8 p.m., $10
The Blue Macaw
2656 Mission, SF
Lyon-Martin Beer Bust
You've heard  by now, no doubt, about how trans and woman-friendly Lyon-Martin Health Services is being threatened by these toughie economic times. Things are looking good for the clinic though, if one is to judge by the magnum-sized avalanche of fundraising events that have come down the chute from organizations and businesses all over the city. You can find a list of them here , by the way. And here's a fabulous option: the Eagle will be busting beers out all afternoon in honor of safe, respectful, and effective reproductive health care – go drain a bottle, donate some cash to the cause, and buy some raffle tickets while you're at it – your community will thank you.
Sat/12 3-6 p.m., free
The Eagle Tavern
398 12th St., SF
Here's looking at you kid – you and your valentine(s, not trying to be limiting here) are welcome to get fuzzy at Stefanos invocation of Bogart's bar. Sip on noir-style cocktails and look sultry while you check out violinists and sky-suspended roped beauties. Plus, there's that big old dungeon to frolic in. Trust, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship(s, again, not tryin' to hold you back here).
Sat/12 8-10 p.m., $30 singles, $60 couples, $90 trios
1277 Mission, SF
Kinky Salon Costume Swap
It can get rough attending themed swingers' parties week in and week out – there's only so many times you can wear those pink cat ears before their frisky fun seems a little worn out. Luckily, Kinky Salon's got your back – show up at this naked person party (when you're changing outfits people, game faces please) with an armload of the fetish funwear you've grown luke-warm on, and pick up another armload of your kinky peers' cast-offs. Remember to clean everything before you bring it down.
Sun/13 4-6 p.m., $10 with costumes to swap, $20 without
Swap it Out!
Just like the one above, only the Citadel's swap is a true naked lady party – only women and the female-identifying are allowed at this trade. Bring your threads (street clothes welcome at this swap) – the ones that no one picks up will be shipped off to charity at the end of the three hours.
Sun/13 2-5 p.m., free
1277 Mission, SF
Pop-Up Dildo Shop and Icecream Social
Now this will be all kinds of fun: an event at Fifty 24's pop-up store with a little something for everyone. To whit, raunchy comedy by Will Franken, free organic icecream from Three Twins, a class on how to choose the perfect sex toy with Carol Queen, giveaways from Good Vibes, even free PBR! My goodness, and hot '60s pop act Female Trouble to soundtrack the whole thing? Can you wait til Sunday, even?
Sun/13 3-5 p.m., free
Fifty 24 SF Gallery
252 Fillmore, SF
Club Neon Underwear Party
Now let's not get ahead of ourselves here, folks. This is an underwear party – which does not mean that you're guaranteed nookie (when are you, really), but the talent will be much easier to scope than in your typical nightclub scene. That stud over there seem awfully full in the boxer brief? Sweaty sweetie by the bathrooms shaking that demi-bra with the skills to pay the bills? Play your cards right and you may have found your valentine.
Mon/14 9 p.m.-2 a.m., $5, free before 11 p.m. with no pants
3223 Mission, SF