Quit using Bang With Friends (hold up -- is that  really what poking means, Forbes?) to solicit Facebook for a minute because Valentine's Day is coming. That means that sexy IRL opportunities abound over the next week as SF scrambles to find a date, or to forget that Valentine's Day exists in favor of a Ciara music video marathon .
But first, a quick rant. We had dispatched Guardian Nola correspondent/bounce DJ king Rusty Lazer to Playboy's Super Bowl party, where he was to report in this very column on made-up/not made-up sex trafficking cataclysm that the football game unleashed on the Big Easy and get one of the 20-plus Bunnies slated to be in attendance to comment on homosexuality in NFL lockerrooms BUT he was denied access, surely the first time for Mr. Lazer, if not for our intrepid band of Guardian reporters.
We caught up with him a few days after the aborted attempt to infiltrate mainstream sex culture, as he was en route to buy the makings of a no-doubt tawdry Mardi Gras costume.
"It was a real stuffed shirt party," Lazer reflected. "I didn't see anyone come out that looked cool." Besides David Arquette, who apparently left the party to vouch for his favorite bounce DJ -- to no avail! Why? Perhaps it had to do with a wig that was too small.
"We didn't look right." Apparently, said Lazer, his crew was en route from a mock-pageant party and one of their number's fake hair did not cover his real hair, was wearing a shirt scandalously unbuttoned, and was covered in lipstick.
Why this should matter for a Playboy party we don't know. All we know is, C.W. Nevius made it in and all he could talk about  was how tall everyone was and how good Train was. On to some sex news you can use:
Be a Public Disgrace extra
Shoutout to our frenz at Kink.com, who are now alerting the Guardian when they have a casting need for their dark, nasty, highly-professional BDSM shoots. (We told them we knew where the freaks are.) Your first opportunity to come via this collaboration: tomorrow's shoot with the director-to-die-for and two-time advice columnist  Princess Donna. Open bar, a chance to don formal wear, a chance to doff formal wear -- your level of participation on camera is up to you, but lemme tell you some extras get involved with goings-on.
"On the Edge" erotic photography exhibition
Come to this group show, which features work from 20 artists -- all photographers this year, a departure from previous "On the Edge" curation -- for spectacle. Not only do the works on the walls range from the sweetly sensual to the out-and-out raunchy, but each day is marked by a different kind of live, kinky presentation. On Friday there's a leather runway show, pole dancing, and rope show; Saturday attendees can enjoy a kink fashion presentation, more ropes, and more poles; and on Sunday, admission is free (freaky!) Expect zebra-girl, rhinestone-dong weirdness, and expect to be entertained.
Fri/8, 4-10pm; Sat/9, 1-10pm; Sun/10, noon-5pm, $5. Free on Sun/10. 863 Mission, SF. www.eroticartevents.com 
My Perverted Sucky Valentine Puts Out
Perverts Put Out is one of our city's beloved regular XXX reading series (Naked Girls Reading and Bawdy Storytelling -- more of a show 'n' tell act, really -- are two other examples). You're all but promised that this evening will be silly, sexy, bizarre, and biting. Charlie Jane Anders, M. Christian, Daphne Gottlieb, Philip Huang, Allison Moon, Lori Selke and horehound stillpoint star, Carol Queen and Thomas Roche host.
Sat/9, 8pm, $10-25 sliding scale. Center for Sex and Culture, 1349 Mission, SF. www.sexandculture.org 
Body Heat Queer Femme Porn Tour
There's been a lot of talk  recently about the so-called "femme privilege," and sexism within the queer community, so the sixth incarnation of this Atlanta-born showcase of fierce femme artists will come as a breath of fresh air. Burlesque dancers, drag performers, and the Bay Area's author of Femmes Guide to the Universe  Shar Rednour will all be featured.
Club Neon Underwear Party
We sent Guardian intern Ali Lane to this pants-free gathering last year (what?) and she had a love moment  about it. Basically, if you are a straight-ish person without many opportunities to mingle with your peers without pesky layers of clothing, you'll want to hit up the Knockout for this one.
Feb. 14, 10pm-2am, $5 (free without pants before 11pm). The Knockout, 3223 Mission, SF. www.theknockoutsf.com