By Juliette Tang
The Gospel according to Anal
When my twisted mind thinks of a "Christian sex toy," I think of Linda Blair and her crucifix in The Exorcist. But for many, Christian sex toys are something else entirely. And no, I'm not talking about the The Diving Nun. Because when I think of Diving Nun, I start thinking about the Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
What was I talking about again?
Oh yes, Christian sex toys.
So, anyway, the Christian sex toy thing is nothing new. NPR did a piece last spring called "Preaching the Gospel of Good Sex" about Book-22, a Web site that sells Bible-approved sex toys to married couples (they pray for guidance on what products to add to the site), and the blogosphere has been chatting about the rise of Christian adult toys since forever ago. While I find the idea of selling to "married couples only" to be homophobic, and I think life without anal sex is not one in which I want to participate (anal products are not offered on Book-22), if Christian sex toy Web sites somehow pave the way for conservative, uptight people in the Midwest to fuck each other without feeling guilt with every climax, then I guess they're doing some form of social good.
Plus, I did a bit of digging about, and I found a Christian sex shop that actually sells anal products! Book-22, you snooze, you lose, because My Beloved's Garden -- tagline: Your "one stop shop" for Marital Aids to enhance your Christian Marriage, while keeping Christ at the center -- offers the anal beads and plugs you don't. Unfortunately, like their fellow online Christian sex shops, My Beloved's Garden is still disgustingly homophobic. Though I did found some of their exact same anal products, like these Onyx Love Beads, at the gay online sex shop Meatcannon.
And there you have it! Onyx Love Beads are our Christian sex toy of the week. Because, er, they look like rosaries? And they may help locate Christ at your center? And also gays can use 'em.