Sheryl Gould's dating horror story may not be Valentine's Day specific, but it was so good we named her the winner of our Valentine's Day Horror Story contest anyway. Congrats to Gould, who will receive two passes for dinner and a show at Teatro Zinzanni. And condolences to anyone who's dealt with the kind of date she describes.
TABLE FOR THREE (or THE CALIFORNIA WRATH)
There once was a girl who had grown quite irate
She vowed to never date men from her state
She took one last chance,
In the name of romance
And veered from her path,
Inevitably to face the “California Wrath”
This man, he loved to smoke the green,
His home was immaculate & his body was lean
Minimal & orderly, you could eat off the floor,
No condiments stood in his refrigerator door
A couple of bong rips he was off & running
Even the gabbiest girl would indeed find it stunning
Babbling nonstop, not a breath in between
The excess of his yammer would shock even a teen.
Overlooking the obvious, much to her chagrin
Let the dating mistake begin once again
Caught up in a moment, “adult time” commenced
Disregarding the ominous doom that she sensed
Romping & rolling he was unable to speak
Enabling her (temporarily) to forget he was a geek
In thralls of passion, these words he did utter
(can’t believe I can write this, it just makes me shudder)
“Is your pussy happy” is that what you said?
In horror, she lay there on her back, on his bed
Grammatically erroneous, disgusting & lewd,
Would a response “it’s repulsed” come across rude?
How dare he personify her erogenous zone
The seeds of revulsion have now just been sown
If her pussy could talk, I know what it’d say,
“This guy’s a loser”, it would scream in dismay
She & her pussy departed soon thereafter
Recounting the night with mockery & laughter
Two weeks following this sexual upset,
She picked up the phone (how quickly we forget)
To invite him out to join her on the town
“You’ll be sorry,” the pussy said with a frown
A glutton for punishment, no pride to be preserved
The following response is what she deserved
“I’ve gotta get back….” (get ready for chills)
“To go to GNC for my fat burning pills”
Her stomach did drop to her toes as she pined
Was this the best blow-off line of all time?
Kudos to him if this was the case,
But this is not the conclusion she chose to embrace
A goofball, a stoner, but not bad in the sack
Too bad he turned out to be such a hack
Xenadrine could be blamed for his excessive mutter,
His minimal food & extreme lack of clutter
If they had gone out for dinner, can you imagine the scene?
She & her pussy & the guy smokin the green
With an eating disorder fueled by GNC
“No waiter, we’ll need a table for three”..