Sheryl Gould's dating horror story may not be Valentine's Day specific, but it was so good we named her the winner of our Valentine's Day Horror Story contest anyway. Congrats to Gould, who will receive two passes for dinner and a show at Teatro Zinzanni. And condolences to anyone who's dealt with the kind of date she describes.

TABLE FOR THREE (or THE CALIFORNIA WRATH)

There once was a girl who had grown quite irate
She vowed to never date men from her state

She took one last chance,
In the name of romance
And veered from her path,
Inevitably to face the “California Wrath”

This man, he loved to smoke the green,
His home was immaculate & his body was lean

Minimal & orderly, you could eat off the floor,
No condiments stood in his refrigerator door

A couple of bong rips he was off & running
Even the gabbiest girl would indeed find it stunning

Babbling nonstop, not a breath in between
The excess of his yammer would shock even a teen.

Overlooking the obvious, much to her chagrin
Let the dating mistake begin once again

Caught up in a moment, “adult time” commenced
Disregarding the ominous doom that she sensed

Romping & rolling he was unable to speak
Enabling her (temporarily) to forget he was a geek

In thralls of passion, these words he did utter
(can’t believe I can write this, it just makes me shudder)

“Is your pussy happy” is that what you said?
In horror, she lay there on her back, on his bed

Grammatically erroneous, disgusting & lewd,
Would a response “it’s repulsed” come across rude?