Confessions: My favorite accidental porn

|
(0)

By Molly Freedenberg

While catching up on the last season of the L Word last night, I was reminded that I'm not that into porn. Thing is, I do get turned on by media - photos, stories, movies - just rarely media that's meant explicitly, or exclusively, to excite me sexually. Call it a girl thing. Call it a woeful lack of porn geared towards my particular interests. Whatever you call it, it doesn't bother me - primarily because there are so many other places (besides actual, you know, life) I find sensual stimulation. Here are some of my favorites:

1. The L Word

It's been awhile since I've watched this Showtime series about ridiculously attractive, femme-y lesbians in L.A. But as I watched the steamy tango (real, not euphemistic) between Bette and Tina in the second-to-last episode of the series, I was reminded of how sexy I used to find all the girl-on-girl action that punctuated every episode. I didn't even realize how much until I tried to watch it with my Mom. Both uncomfortable, we turned it off halfway through. "I think I'd rather watch this ... uh, alone," she said. My inner embarrassed teenager and I couldn't have agreed more.

Just one example: Shane and Carmen. (Please ignore the cheesy music.)

2. But I'm a Cheerleader (1999)

Speaking of lesbians, one of my first non-porn-as-porn experiences was watching this Natasha Lyonne comedy about a school that purports to turn gay teens straight. The moment when Megan (Lyonne) and Graham (the fantastic Clea DuVall) consummate their relationship was so tender, so gentle, and so realistic, I almost felt like a voyeur. More simply, it just made me hot. The movie not only showed me, for the first time, what lesbian sex might really be like, but what watching porn (for people who like it) must feel like.

Check out the scene - which, of course, isn't quite as steamy as I remember it - here.

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The Buffy/Spike montage with the least annoying song I could find.

There's a lot about this Joss Whedon classic that's sexy, but the real it's on this list is the relationship (or relations) between Buffy and classic bad-boy Spike. It's all lust and passion and the lure of the forbidden (not to mention my fetish for skinny-yet-muscular rocker types). Plus, the scene in "Dead Things" (Season 6, Episode 13) captures one of my favorite fantasies (except somehow, in my version, I'm wearing a black leather catsuit. No clue how the actual sex would work with the full-body leather, but hey, it's my fantasy and I'll be unrealistic if I want to).

buffyspike_0209.jpg
The balcony scene. Sans jumpsuit.

4. Say Anything (1989)

Don't roll your eyes. I know there's nothing about this Cameron Crowe coming-of-age tale that's actually masturbation material. But I have to put it on the list as simply one of my favorite - if not hottest - sex scenes of all time. After all, I'm one of those girls who finds the act of coupling even hotter when emotion is involved (and, in fact, have a hard time getting into it otherwise, though alcohol's a pretty good substitute). So the moment when Diane Court (Ione Skye) and Lloyd Dobbler (John Cusack) lose their virginity to each other, with all its awkwardness and emotion and teenage newness, is quintessential intercourse awesomeness in my book. (It might also help that my first time, while notable in its own way, was nothing like it - and I kinda wish it had been.) Plus, without the sweet, sweaty encounter in the back of the Chevy Malibu to the soundtrack of Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes," we never would've had the iconic Lloyd-and-the-boom-box heartbreaker scene later on.

sayanything1_0209.jpg
Diane: "You're shaking. Are you cold?" Lloyd: "No, just happy."

5. The Fermata (Nicholson Baker)

I can't remember who gave me this book. I do remember it being one of the sexiest - and strangest - things I'd read up until that point. The premise? A man learns how to stop time, and uses his new ability to act out sexual fantasies. If the story weren't actually well-written, I probably wouldn't have gotten very far. But Baker's got skills. And so does his narrator, who weaves a titillating story-within-the-story about a woman, her vibrator, and her sitting lawn mower. I've read the book several times, and never two-handed all the way through.

feramata_0309.jpg

6. Bust Magazine, "One-Handed Reads"

And finally, I must add a piece of literature that proves the exception to my no-porn-on-purpose rule. The column that appears on the next-to-last page of my favorite feminist magazine is certainly intended, explicitly, to please. And contrary to my usual experience with such things, these by-women-for-women essays about fantasy sexual encounters actually do please me more often than not: no doubt because they're by authors who not only share my gender (though not always my sexual orientation/identity), but also my cultural and political sensibilities.

bustcover_0309.gif

...And the list could go on and on. Honestly, I know that what I've started with is relatively tame (they're important because they're some of my first and therefore most memorable, though not necessarily the sexiest), and also a bit more lesbian-leaning than my actual sex life (but girl sex on screen or page is just so much hotter somehow!). Which means I need some help. Anyone with recommendations for sexy films, TV shows, books, magazines, and even actualporn, please post 'em here. We all know I can only watch Buffy so many times...

Also from this author

  • Music mitzvah

    Jewish Music Festival turns 25 with a crosscultural lineup

  • Our weekly picks

  • Stage listings