From the bike lane to the bed, ride like a messenger

Gear up for some lessons in bike messenger-style lovin'

Bulging thighs pump, shiny parts glimmer and sweaty bodies pedal between the loins of the city. Is Bike To Work Day getting you all hot and bothered, too? Steer the excitement of the bike lane straight into the bedroom and take style notes from the ultimate ride professionals: bike messengers. 

Not all bike messengers are the same, but one thing remains true for any and all that claim the profession: these people are sex on two wheels. Average bikers are hot, too, but messengers are the porn stars of bike culture. Badass, fast, and cocky seem like fair stereotypes, perfect characteristics for tending to spring urges. Hop on the saddle and get ready to romp and ride with messenger mentality. 

Be brave: Biking in San Francisco can be terrifying. Muni tracks, lazy drivers, and mean taxis are real threats, but bike messengers puff up their chests and let adrenaline take the reins. Get adventurous in the sack and shake your fears of the unknown. If you've got a pre-planned route, veer off and take a backroad. Try role playing the part of a sleazy bike mechanic and service your lover's bod. Remember: the customer is always right!



San Francisco Bicycle Messenger Series at

Be assertive: Messengers make decisions on the fly. If you second guess your instincts, you may end up with road rash or an awkward stall in play. Read the signs and listen for your partner's directions.

Be healthy: Biking is real good for the body. All those miles keep your heart in great shape and keep blood flowing to all the right spots. They make drink a lot of beer, but messengers work it all off on their route. Talk about stamina. Get some exercise to make sure your organs are up to speed and can perform at their full potential. 

Be hard: That ass! Those thighs! Bike bods rock; their extra-toned areas are prime for spanking, grabbing, cupping, riding, and thrusting. Get your own in gear.




Be eco-sexy: Dependency on fossil fuels isn't hot. Do as the messengers do and pedal instead of drive. Take a romantic ride or race to a secluded spot with your fuck buddy for a naked picnic. 

Be dirty: Sweat and grime is a consequence of the job. Don't be afraid to get rough and smelly under the sheets. Who cares. Lick it up. 

Be safe: Some messengers probably think they're too cool for helmets, but no penis is too cool for a condom. Unless you really know the road, it's always better to be cautious and avoid running your tires through a muddy pothole or STD.




And finally...

Be prepared: Messenger bags are big for a reason: you can fit all kinds of fun party favors in there. Booze, toys, lube, Advil, kneepads, clean underwear, and anything you could ever need can fit into one of those back sacks. Stock up your stash at home, in the car, the office, your purse, and wherever else you might want some spontaneous spunk. 


Comments's just role play, I thought we could go ambush the messengers and have our way with them!

Posted by chelsea on May. 25, 2011 @ 3:54 pm

If you think you can just play dress-up and be like a SF bike messenger,you are DANGEROUSLY MISTAKEN!

Hipsters and wanna-bees are a TOTAL DISGRACE to the bike community.Lots of ornaments,poor judgment,poor bike handling.These phonies make the insanely dangerous streets that much more dangerous.

Because they are trying so hard to be part of a scene,they think they have to be constantly doing outrageous things in the hope of being MISTAKEN FOR A REAL SF BIKE MESSENGER.

I know from many years of experience that often when you see a REAL SFBM flying through the city,they are often trying to meet a deadline like a legal filing/escrow that a million/billion dollar corporation has waited till the last minute to call a courier to save their @$$ at the very last moment.That is why they often have to ride the way they do.

Oh yeah,these same companies will threaten to take their account to another delivery service if YOU DON'T MAKE THAT DEADLINE.That is why they sometimes ride like like they are seriously in a hurry. Not that pretend stuff this article is full of.

Save the half-wit heroics for your video games,on the street you are WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE! ...

It was the GUARDIAN that let the grossly inexperienced Justin Juvenile write the BIKE THEFT article...was'nt it ?! Justin told me he never saw how a bike lock could be broken,yet he was allowed to write a huge 3 page story about something he knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about.So after I showed him a video I made about Kryptonite locks being snapped like dried twigs in under 10 seconds,he then went and wrote some garbage while fashioning himself as an EXPERT on the subject.

He said he would let me see the article before it went to print.He LIED and printed one of the most embarrassingly stupid articles on the subject I have ever read.Since I have 3 bike lock patents,for products that sold around the WORLD(14 countries) without ever being beat in ANY lock breaking competition,I thought this is just another coward journalist too scared and deceptive to help protect the public from thieves that prey on them.The late Herb Caen was also too cowardly to help the public either.

After he wrote about what type of carjack was best to use if you wanted to break someone's lock and steal their bike.I sent him a letter/video and one of my patented locks that Tom Vacar from channel 2 tested on live tv.He broke the Kryptonite in less than 10 seconds.Could not break mine though.Herb and his celebrated staff never printed a word about it.Herb sent me a thank-you note that I promptly threw in the garbage.Helping thieves is unforgivable in my book.

When I went to the SF Bike Coalition and said lets do a serious test to show which locks were best for their readers,they told me I would have to sponsor the issue (at a cost of over $1,000.00).This is why I will never take them seriously...because this just more coward journalism...the same thing happened at Mercury Rising (phony messenger rag) too scared to even dare to know the truth.I would have supplied everything,so it would not cost anything for them...still too chicken.

So now we have to also deal with fake messengers,thieves and coward journalists.You are not really helping the planet are you?Just pretending again while looking down on REAL SF Bike Messengers.Not even giving Major Taylor a paragraph in the Bike-to-Work issue of the Guardian was also COWARDLY!!!!


Posted by Guest on May. 26, 2011 @ 1:46 pm

calm down.

Posted by marke on Jun. 14, 2011 @ 7:58 am

There is a very lame misspelling going on here: "peddle" instead of "pedal". Puh-lease, this makes you look lame.

Posted by Guest on Jun. 14, 2011 @ 1:27 am

fixed above!

Posted by marke on Jun. 14, 2011 @ 7:58 am

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