As someone who read the original posting "I Never Called It Rape" and I agreed with it completely -- at the time -- I am forced to reconsider my original position. Because there are some issues that are being ignored.

Yes, abuse within BDSM is a problem, and it is something that should never be allowed to happen. Tops and Dominants who are predatory in nature need to be weeded out and dismissed. Sadly, if a Top or Dominant is popular, has money, throws a good party/event, etc., that Top/Dominant will be given a pass. Too many people are willing to offer the most ridiculous justifications as to why these individuals should not be banished from our community. It's a problem that we have yet to fully address, we only give lip service to it.

So, there is no debating there. It's a problem that has got to stop for the safety of all involved.

Yet, in Kitty's own words above and in her previously mentioned writing, she refuses to acknowledge that she had a responsibility to look after herself, to ensure he own safety. She shirks that responsibility by laying it on the feet of others. In reading her comments here and re-reading her posting, she is such a slave (no pun intended) to others opinions about her that she is/was willing to not do the one thing that would protect her.

Use her safe word.

I have played with many, many bottoms/subs, and only rarely have they used their safeword, partially because there are certain ways in which I will play with someone whom I am unfamiliar with. Yet, I have many, many Tops/Doms around me who not only honor safewords, but insist on them.

A bottom/sub MUST investigate who they are seeking to play with. They MUST insist that their safewords are honored. They should, when playing with someone new or unfamiliar, have someone they trust be present to look out for their safety. A bottom/sub should never play with someone the first time in a private location (someone's home, hotel, etc.). If public play spaces are not available, try to set an arrangement where there will be someone to look after their best interests.

And quite frankly, the justification of what someone else thinks about a bottom/sub who uses their safeword as being a "wimp." What are we more concerned about? What someone thinks about us or protecting themselves from physical harm.

The time to use the safeword is at the moment the activities go beyond what has been negotiated. Period. If someone goes beyond that, then yes, Kitty is right, people need to understand how inappropriate and morally unacceptable it is.

However, if a Top/Dom is playing with someone who doesn't use their safeword, and then the bottom/sub comes after the fact and says, "You violated me," I have a problem with that -- because the Top/Dom was not informed.

Tops/Doms are not mind readers, and if the bottom/sub is not willing to communicate what their limits are, what their safewords are, and what their expectations are, then they don't need to be involved in BDSM. Bottom/subs have a lot of power at their disposal to prevent abusive situations. But if they (bottoms/subs) choose not to, if they shirk their responsibility to protect themselves, to expect others to protect them from themselves, is unrealistic.

This is not "victim blaming." This is saying that we all need to take responsibility for our own actions. Kitty and her ilk are not doing that and I fear that their message is going to make things worse, not better.

I completely agree with the previous response. A bottom who has withdrawn consent and is not safewording is abusing his or her top, by turning the top into a rapist without the top's consent.

Moreover, if you are a bottom who is unwilling or unable to safeword, you are not a safe bottom to play with, any more than a top who ignores a safeword is safe to play with. At minimum, you need to tell your top up front that you have this disability, so that your top can choose whether or not they're willing to take the chance of playing beyond your consent.

I've talked to quite a few bottoms who tell me that they go into a place during play where they're unable to take care of themselves or take action to protect themselves. After making a mental note never to play with that bottom, I ask them, "What if your top were having a heart attack? Would you be able to come out of bottom space enough to take care of your top?" If the answer is "yes," then the bottom is deluding himself or herself about being "unable" to safeword.

Of course, I hope it goes without saying that a top should *never* mock or reproach a bottom for safewording. The proper response to a safeword (beyond, of course, stopping the scene) is "Thank you," because the bottom has just prevented you from being a rapist or assailant, and has furthermore given you information you need to do your job better.

Yes, there is rape and abuse in the BDSM community. The idea that bottoms cannot or should not safeword is a huge part of what enables that culture.

Janet Hardy
author or co-author of various BDSM texts, including The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book

I can't possibly be the only person in this community who has heard a bottom brag that they haven't ever had to safeword. Safewording is sometimes treated as giving up, tapping out on the part of the submissive. That's a huge issue too. Sometimes the abusive behaviour happens too quickly for a safeword. Sometimes the situation is one where you don't even know that a scene has even been established- so Janet, I'm really sad to see you declaring that safewords are somehow failsafe.

Frankly, I had situations where I safeworded, and I was told that I was a bad submissive for doing so. As I observed others in the community, I saw people who could "take it" were valued more than those who "couldn't". I had safewords ignored, too- and it hurt even worse to have safeworded, had it ignored, and had it repeated to me that true submissives don't need to safeword, because they trust their top not to go too far. I did too- until that top did go too far, leaving me desperate to do better next time.

And it's important to note- these were not unknowns. These were dominants that are STILL considered to be pillars of the community in the local scene- people who, as I told my story, I heard additional stories about these tops abusing other people, too. And yet? They come with fantastic references... until you have a problem, too. Then you hear the horror stories. We are so scared to be victim blamed or accused of "starting drama" that we shut up and take the abuse. That is a MAJOR ISSUE.

It's great to suggest that everyone have total confidence and not care what other people think about whether or not they're a wimp for safewording or whether they're a top who has fucked up around consent during play. But that's not really realistic. People do care what others think- that's why references are suggested, right? And when you shut down people who say "I had some issues playing with that person" by saying "yeah, but, were you an ideal victim?" you are victim blaming. And that's why this consent culture stuff is so important- because the community would rather stick their fingers in their ears and sing "lalalala" than talk about the subtleties about consent and entitlement, and the culture of kink.

That makes me really sad. And angry. And I want to fix it. If you also want to fix it- what's your suggestion?

I hope nobody interpreted my comments as suggesting that anyone should ever, under any circumstances, ignore a safeword. Doing so is assault, plain and simple, and should be sufficient to merit criminal charges.

That said: any bottom who allows himself or herself to be bullied out of using a safeword is contributing to the problem. Safewords work only when everyone involved is willing to use them and honor them. If you're not consenting to something I'm doing to you, then I'm assaulting you - and if you have a tool for stopping me and you're not using it, then you're contributing to that assault.

Some years ago, I was talking to a friend who was negotiating play with a top to whom I'd been bottoming, off and on, for years. "Well, you know, X doesn't play with safewords," she told me. That was news to me - in a dozen or more scenes with X, I'd always had a safeword, and had used it and had it honored at least once. Clearly, X did not think I'd be willing to play with him without a safeword (correctly), and had never suggested it. With my friend, who was less experienced and less assertive, he thought he could get away with it. And he probably could have, which is appalling.

Did this mean that there were dominants who would not play with me? Undoubtedly! But any sub who allows himself or herself to be talked out of having or using a safeword creates a culture in which dominants think they *can* get away with that sort of nonsense, and perpetuates the problem.

Any player, top or bottom, who is unwilling to use or hear a safeword needs to not be played with until they get their head on straight. I won't play with a bottom who tells me that they can't or won't safeword, I won't play with a top who won't provide and honor one, I strongly advise new players to follow those standards, and I wish everyone did. (Nillas too, for that matter.)

As far as I'm concerned, the whole idea of an unambiguous word or signal that a person can use to signal he status of consent is the single most useful and important concept that the BDSM community has created. Being scornful of them or unwilling to use them is a stupid and regressive step away from our usual standards of consent.

My experience as a bottom new to the scene is that tops respond well my safewording. In fact I have been praised for not being too shy to use it.

Most of my play partners have stopped in the middle of the scene to check to see if I remember what the safeword is, or whether I was "okay." Others have noticed I am less shy about physical "safeword" and instructed me to raise my hand if I want to stop, as opposed to saying red. In other words, not only do people actively educate me about safewords, they also make an effort to make sure I know how to use them, and checked often to make sure I was in a mental state to use them during a scene.

Yes, I can see there is a culture of pain-tolerance-competition and bragging about never using safeword. That's how some people play. BDSM isn't a place for me to conform to and imitate how other people express their agency and sexuality. It's a space for me to explore mine and my partner's, so I don't feel pressured to do compete against other kinkster and imitate their behaviors.

Sometimes I wish to engage in heavier plays, but because my play partners don't know me well enough and can't trust me to communicate genuine distress, they made the decision to stop short. In other words, I am made aware that they will not play at the level I wish to engage in unless I can prove myself capable of communicating distress/ safewording.

But like others have pointed out, sometimes things happen so fast you just don't get a chance to use the safe word.

Another issue is when the interaction is explicitly hostile. I didn't have time to consciously think about what I was doing at the time, but safewording never even crossed my mind, because it wasn't a game, he really was pissed off, it wasn't something I was in any control of.

Lastly, there is this little game called mind fuck. Sometimes I am made to believe I can't stop a scene that I didn't negotiate for, or I cannot rescind perceived consent. It turned out to be a mind fuck, they weren't going to hurt me physically, but not having the agency to stop them was the nature of the play (the mind fuck.)

My conclusion is that safeword isn't a panacea to all potential issues in the scene.

My stance? You play with knifes you expect to get cut a little. I think it's a little dishonest to present BDSM as completely risk free, safe and sane, which I think is what's happening behind people who deny non-consent can and does happen (and IMO not necessarily always evil.) It helps if tops are all educated to *help* bottoms use safewords, I think that's very sex-positive. I also accept bottoms have responsibilities of watching out for their own well beings, but at some point there needs to be a leap of faith in order for actions to happen.

I haven't played or had sex in years due to various personal things. But when I have experienced consent violations personally it hasn't been with a stranger but often with someone I have known for long time. When I came out there wasn't many public play spaces and what is available as far public play spaces isn't the most comfortable enviroments to play or seek play partners as FtM.
Of course just saying that often publicly will get me discounted with I know whole lot of FtMs with play partners,etc.like some how my experience and feelings are less valid because they know more FtMs who are having better time.
Sometimes things do happen where miscommunication or communication just doesn't seem work or happen. I know I am not the only one who has experienced this.
Either way for myself I won't be doing any more casual sex, bdsm in any time in near future and I have done much in several decades to avoid this subject. Plus I haven't felt really safe or had the option even when I do go to public venues very often either.