Cheap Eats

Twain shall meatless

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS You're probably tired of hearing about my dehumidifier. What? No? You can't get enough of it? Well that's great because it's kind of like my curse, or part of it, to have to call ’em like I see ’em, no matter how boring or embarrassing. And I know this is embarrassingly boring, but I gotta tell you: Dehumidifiers are where it's at, man.Read more »

Cloud 8

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS I had pretty much settled on spending a quiet night at home with a big bowl of popcorn and my new dehumidifier, but then I accidentally called Earl Butter and he said, in effect, "Do you know what time it is? What are you doing home? Get the hell in your pickup truck and get here."

"OK, yes," I said. "Bye."Read more »

Play it again

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS I was sitting outside in the bathtub with a barbecued pork rib in one hand and a jar of wine in the other, watching the sun go down through apple blossoms and redwood branches when the thought occurred to me: If Albert Einstein, our smartest example of a human being, a cat so smart his name has come to mean smart, is capable of saying something as profoundly stupid as "God does not play dice," then might not the chicken farmer, the clown, the fool, the imbecile, o Read more »

No way of knowing

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS I was sick. I couldn't get out of bed, and I couldn't sleep either. If I tried to talk on the phone, I sounded like Don Corleone smoking helium. People didn't know who I was, and after a while I didn't know who I was either.

Weirdo the Cat remained Weirdo the Cat and tried her best to keep me oriented.Read more »

Into the ether

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS My first two girlfriends were boys. My next three were girls. My wife was a crustacean, and it's hard to tell with crustaceans. Crawdad and I have been divorced now for closer to two years than one, and I'm starting to get to be about ready to squeeze someone, maybe. Question is: procedure. I'm in a funny position, and I talk about it, and my friends say, "Online dating. Online dating."Read more »

Dumpling drifter

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS Me and Wayway went to the store and bought 67 chicken wings, a carton of buttermilk, and a big bottle of oil. Then we went out to eat. I had a show that night in the Sunset, at my new favorite bar, the Riptide, so the plan was to point ourselves in that direction and just roll.Read more »

Tossing the bone

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le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS Crawdad de la Cooter has a new squeeze. I called him up and said, "Hey, man, let's go eat, huh? You hungry?"

And he said what anyone would have said in his position. He said, "Who is this?"

"It's the Chicken Farmer," I said. "Crawdad's ex?"Read more »

Intelligence

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CHEAP EATS "Did you hear about the barn swallows in Minnesota?" Earl Butter said, while we were waiting for our waffles.

"This reminds me," I replied. "This idea that there are more alive people now than dead ones where did you get it?"

"Late Night," he said.

"David Letterman?"

"Yeah."

"Ah."Read more »

Regis lives

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CHEAP EATS

"Show me a sane man," Jung said, "and I will cure him for you."

I saw this on a billboard on Turk Street, I think, but I didn't catch what it was advertising. Jung's psychotherapy practice, I guess. But that seems like a waste of money to me, Jung being dead.

"Show me a dead man," I said to Earl Butter, my passenger . . .

And . . . and . . .

"What?" said Earl Butter. Read more »