le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS The top four teams in the San Francisco Women's Flag Football League can all beat the 49ers. My team cannot, but we can beat the bottom four teams and have proven it. By winning the biggest game of our storied one-season history, we established ourselves as the top of the bottoms: a solid fifth-place finish.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

We ate chicken and waffles on the loading dock at farmerbrown's Little Skillet, and garlic fries at AT&T Park. We ate chicken at Limon Rotisserie and chicken wings at San Tung. Tried to get a kimchi burrito, but John's was sold out. We split a sandwich from Tartine.Read more »

I shouldn't be so hard on Kaiser. I myself am prone to misdiagnoses. Example: the knee injury I sang the blues about two weeks ago that turned out to be a hamstring problem.

When I passed out in the bathroom at 5 a.m. and came to, all bonked and a-crumple, my first thought was Too Much Whiskey. Then I realized I hadn't drunk anything for at least two weeks. So I must have been dehydrated.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS The good news is that my asshole itself is just fine. It took me almost three days to convince the imbecilic network of Kaiser phone reps that no, it weren't hemorrhoids, you're going to have to actually fucking see me. Apparently my $350 a month isn't enough to warrant them having a look at my ass once every six years. Let alone sticking a finger in it.

"Probably hemorrhoids," they said. "Someone will call you." Which they didn't, so I called back, and back. Five, six times.

And they said hemorrhoids.Read more »

CHEAP EATS I left my uke in New York City — technically in Boston, in the back of a station wagon headed for New York City. I left my baby, my toothbrush, my second-favorite pillow, and my other baby in New Orleans. My rabbit-fur jacket that I only ever wear to Rainbow Grocery ... I left that in New Orleans too. I left my stomach in Dallas. I left my left knee in San Francisco, on the 50-yard line of a football field at Crocker Amazon. I don't know where I left my pink cowboy hat. I can't find it, and it's pink cowboy hat season.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS He's only in high school so far, but Coach's little brother Coach is a football genius of Bill Walshian proportion. Here's how I know: He came, he coached, we won.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

Dear Cheap Eats Lady,

Where did you go? New Orleans? That is great.

It is the news. It is the unkind heart of government, our American government, that makes me want to stop what I'm doing, which is watching television, and go to sleep. This is easy, because I am lying on the couch anyway. All it requires is a rollover and the determination to jettison my responsibilities for the day. Students be damned, the government got me so down, I could not grade your papers.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS My flight was cancelled so I did my taxes. I tried to do my taxes. What I did, I wrote to Coach and said, "Let's play catch. My flight was cancelled." She was at work.

I went to get my nails done. After, I saw Sockywonk sitting on the step of her soap store, so I sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry I'm a bad friend sometimes," I said. "Here." And I handed her a small bag I'd been carrying around. Inside: the sexy nightie she lent me to go roller skating in last fall.

It was decided that I wasn't a bad friend.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS Coach worries. She wakes up thinking about her social calendar instead of Libya.

Personally, I don't sleep with my cell phone under my head. By the time I wake up, Coach's texts have accumulated like little pieces of folded white construction paper cut into snowflakes. We live in sunny California, but the drifts are downright Northeastern. School is cancelled.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS Finally! Business as usual, here at Cheap Eats. But before I start talking about sports, there's a little more I want to say about the poop in Coach's garage.

It came with a few sheets of toilet paper on top. And when her landlord found it he said, "Hey, was there a dog running around in the garage?" I stayed in the house while Coach went out to see for herself. She was pretty sure that dogs didn't use toilet paper, she said.Read more »